It's Hard Out Here For a Wench

What if they were Emos?

Here we have a lovely picture of President Bush, with a picture of an emo kid photoshopped on top.

posted by KitchenWench @ 1:18 PM 0 comments

System of a Down asks rhetorical questions, The Wench answers

KW: Welcome to my studio, gentlemen. I'm here to answer all of your angst-ridden rhetorical questions.
SOAD: GAAAAH!
KW: All right, now that we're introduced, why don't you go ahead and ask some?
SOAD: wHY DO THEY ALWAYS SEND THE POOR??????????????
KW: That's a good question. Millitary service is a very honorable calling, and it's a real shame that more wealthy individuals don't go overseas and fight. Why don't you promote the cause of sending rich people to war by joining up yourselves???
Crickets: *chirp chirp chirp*
SOAD: DON'T EAT THE FISH!!!!
Crickets: we quit.
SOAD: WHY DO WE MAKE BOMBS THAT CREATE DEATH SHOWERS???
KW: To kill large amounts of people that we don't like, at the same time, cleanly and efficiently. Next question please.
SOAD: DO YOU EVER BELIEVE YOU ARE STUCK IN THE SKY???
KW: I'm going to beat you over the head with your megabongs if you don't ask me an actual question.
SOAD: LOL!!!! :D

posted by KitchenWench @ 6:43 PM 0 comments

HRW Investigation: The Fray, Panic! at the Disco, used in inmate torture

In a shocking Human Rights Watch report, it was discovered that inmates at Guantanamo bay, as well as the CIA's secret prisons aroud the world, were being subjected to interrogation methods that would make Himmler scream like a little girl. Prisoners were stripped, put in freezing rooms, and subjected to "Emo Torture".
The first shocking report came out this week, of Abu Zubaya, personell director of Al-Qaeda, being forced to listen to The Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Stadium Arcadium" at excessively loud volumes. The Human Rights watch immediately launched an investigation that unearthed shocking evidence of similar methods of torture.
One prisoner recalls being forced to listen to such bands as The Fray, Hawthorne Heights, and Panic! At The Disco. Recalling the awful experience, Muhammed Zibahuminahumina reccalled "I told them all the information I knew, and still they wouldn't turn the volume down or change the recording. Convinced that I knew the whereabouts of more people, they subjected me to the degrading torture of Panic! At The Disco music videos. Now I can't sleep at night, for fear of the demons in top hats that will forever haunt my dreams."
The effects of this new variety of torture have been severe and far reaching. In a hidden CIA prison in Bangkok, an inmate who will remain unnamed, after being forced to listen to an entire Hawthorne Heights album, attempted suicide. Several have been attempting to dye their hair fuschia and wear tight pants. One inmate even reportedly attempted to open a MySpace account.
There has been no word yet from the evil US millitary-industrial complex on the range and depth of this torture, save for the avid denial of such harsh measures as Avril Lavigne, Linkin Park, and Evanescence.

posted by KitchenWench @ 8:20 AM 0 comments

Power Bassin' the Wench Way

ARTIFICIAL FLIES AND LURES ONLY. NO BOATING.
Signs like these only appear on....
A.) Tiny ponds
B.) Irrigation Cesspools
C.) Conventional Bass Lakes


If you guessed A or B, you would be correct. No person in their right mind fishes for big bass on the town pond that is slightly smaller than a bathtub and comes complete with an ag chemical cocktail that WILL cause mysterious rashes in uncomfortable places. Some of these ponds are actually radioactive. (Note: Glow in the dark lures are a very good option.) Fortunately for you, I'm not in my right mind, and I regularly pull 3 pounders out of these waters every summer in Colorado. There ARE big bass in these ponds, and you CAN catch them quite easily. How?

Crankbaits. Big, flashy, crankbaits. My favorite model for fishing rock-bottom sludge ponds in the Longmont area is the Bill Dance Fat Free Fry (say it with me...) It dives to 4-6 feet and wallops big bass in these ponds. My favorite colors are citrus shad for murky or radioactive waters, as these imitate bluegills or glowing shad. In clear waters on cloudy days, I use baby bass. On clear days in clear waters, nothing can beat a Bomber 6A in a crawfish shade. For this kind of work, I prefer a 6'6" Rapala sxi rod paired with a Pfleuger president reel. 8 pound test lets that lure wiggle seductively, without sacrificing too much strength. However, I have landed a 7 pound, 22 inch bass out of a pond the size of my dining room with a 5 foot ultralight model with some ghetto-tastic reel and 4 pound line. That's the same get-up I use when I go after 24 pound carp. But most of the time I use the heavier setup, simply because it makes my life easier.
I have not had a lot of success in Colorado with spinnerbaits. I was recently in Massachussets, however, and bass will go head over heels, so to speak, to smash one. For the most part, bass fishing is like picking a bar fight. You don't want to gently entice it to nibble on your morsel that you have gently presented. That's trout fishing, and trout fishing is not what we do in the middle of August. You want to piss that fish off, and you want to do it with something half its size. It doesn't want to EAT your bait, it wants to KILL your bait. Two different things.
I will try to keep my segment on swimbaits 20 words or less. Storm Suspending Wildeye Swimshad, 6 inches. Slow, steady, straight retrieve. Clear water. weedbeds. Boom! Pow! Flip!Flip!Flip! Land! Release! ~this has been an explanation of swimbait fishing in clear water with visible bass, on a lake with plenty of smaller bass to pick on.~

Anyhooo, that is my article today. Remember: catch and release, and give the tiny ponds a chance. oh, and tip your wench.

posted by KitchenWench @ 5:03 PM 0 comments

"Just Say NO! To Free Markets" An Instant Hit In Seattle Elementary Schools

The scene is one you might expect in a repressive, right-wing anti-drug shill. An adult, a symbol of repressive authority, stands at the foreground of a full classroom as the teacher simpers over lesson plans in the corner, as if she is afraid to speak out. However, the class' afternoon Yoga session has been disrupted for a crucial and productive cause: The new "Just Say NO! To Free Markets" campaign. Begun by Mr. Shecky Morningside-Burgender, this program aims to stem hateful tendencies toward capitalism in California youth. Said Mr. Morningside-Burgender: "You know, my partner Todd and I used to run this organic co-op before we started working for the cause full-time, and we'd see kids going across the street to safeway or 7-11 for their afternoon snacks, and Todd and I would just be like, 'Yoo-Hoo! We're over here!' but they'd ignore us, and I think that's the evil of capitalism at work." Shecky and Todd started small, handing out Che T-shirts with the program's slogan hand-written on the back with glitter glue. "I think it added a nice touch," said Todd. "You know, make it more of a people's T-shirt."
Now, students in local elementary schools are being taught the evils of capitalism and the virtues of the People's Economy. In one gesture that "Deeply Touched" Shecky and Todd, Ms. Randerfunger's third grade class named their guinea pig Chairman Mao. "Mao for short!" Pipped Starflower McHiggins, one of the students in the class. As of yet, nobody knows what the results or the future of the program will be, but it is expected to be at least as successfull as repressive right-wing anti-drug brainwashing. As Shecky put it, "We've really placed the hope of the people in these kids, and I hope they realize what they've been given."

posted by KitchenWench @ 5:45 PM 0 comments

Hillary Clinton Launches "American Fantasy" Initiative

In response to the overwhelming need for decreased federal spending and personal economic maturity among citizens, Hillary Clinton has launched the "American Fantasy" initiative.
"For generations, immigrants have come from poor countries and worked hard to secure wealth for them and their children. Now it's time for those filthy capitalist pigs to PAY!", Clinton quipped. The initiative would provide $500 in savings bonds to each child born in America, close the pay gap between CEOs and workers, and ensure that every child's Christmas list is at least 65% granted. "We want a high quality of life for every citizen here, not just thoe elite few that have gone out and worked for a living, as if they deserve to have more money than the average Tahquanda out here in REAL America." Stated one proponent of the initiative.

posted by KitchenWench @ 8:52 PM 0 comments

Big Timber Brookies and Other High-altitude Shenanigans

The Clark's Fork of the Yellowstone River is one of the most beautiful places you can go in Wyoming to catch a lot of brook trout. These fine fighters are the smallest member of the trout family, and can live longer out of the water than any other trout. There are even records of brook trout leaving their home water and wiggling over land to another body of water. They also fight extremely hard for their size, and it was for this reason that the past two days found me camping beside the Upper Clark's Fork.
Stoneflies were all over the place, as were mosquitoes. However, the only dry fly that I got a hit on was a King''s River Caddis yesterday evening. I prefer to fish wet flies and streamers in big water like the Clark's Fork for two reasons: One, on these rivers there's about a half hour window when dries are effective, and Two, a trout hanging around on the bottom is not going to swim up 4 feet against the current to nab a tiny mayfly. This time of year, trout are salivating over big stonefly nymphs, so big brown and black wooly buggers are the hot flies, as they imitate these big juicy critters. Muddlers (the best fly ever invented, by the way) Can be very effective as well on shallower stretches, but it's hard to get them to the right depth in the fast water, where they tend to either float without a split shot, or get caught in rocks with one. It's much more productive in this instance to cast a big, weighted brown bugger 9o degrees across the river and let it swing down. When it gets to the bottom of the swing, 6 times out of 10 you'll get a hit. And when you move upstream, try to just troll that bugger through a riffle. I caught a couple of nice brookies and a decent brown trout that way in the main river, but the real fun in this trip came from timber brookies and browns.
We often hear about big timber game, but it almost always refers to land critters. I'm talking about one of the most exciting opportunities available for brook and brown trout, casting a heavy wooly bugger right next to a big log in a slow side channel. There is just something special about seeing that flash of fish right when it starts to sink. More often than not, these brookies miss in their excitement, but watching two trout have a head-on collision because they both want your fly is an unforgettable experience. Often, a brown or brookie will go for your fly, miss it, and then take it again. And then the fight is on, with you trying your best not to tear the hook out of his mouth while at the same time keeping him out of the logs. Once those fish get into the timber, it is difficult to get them back out without reaching in and doing it yourself. Landing them is always a satisfying experience, because you'll do three times as much work to get these fish into the net. On one nice brown trout, I had to re-tie my blood knot, cut the wrong line, had to do a quick surgeon knot, tie on a new fly, and spend 10 minutes getting into position for that one, perfect cast, and then spent 15 minutes fighting him in and out of timber before finally getting him in the net. I have a feeling trout would be pretty proud of themselves if they knew what we go through...

Tie a Wooley Bugger in 2 minutes or less!

The wooley bugger is one fly that no angler should be without. It imitates a stonefly nymph, a minnow, and a dozen other yummy things depending on where and when it's fished. If you look at a wooley bugger in the stream, its maribou tail will actually swim! It is a very effective fly, and it is cheap and quick to tie.
I rarely bother buying materials and putting in the time to tie flies unless I'm tying at least half a dozen. Because I do a lot of my fishing in heavy brush, I break off a lot of flies, so it's good to have a lot with me.

WOOLEY BUGGER
Hook: Dai-Riki #730 or equivalent (I actually prefer Tiemco but don't have the model number...) in sizes 2-8
Tail: Tuft of Maribou in color matching body
Body: Thick, soft chenille in Black, Brown, Olive, Gray, or Purple (muddy water).
Hackle: Palmered Chinese rooster saddles in color to match body
note on hackle: You can get strung hackles for under $5. Many will be too wide, but you can use the wide ones for clipped hackle patterns like the King's River Caddis.
Weight: Lead wire
Thread: Danville 14/0 black thread

Before you EVEN PUT THE HOOK IN THE VISE!!!!!!!
For each fly you will tie, cut 4 inches of chenille, 4 inches of lead wire, and select one saddle hackle.

1. Put head cement on hook. This keeps the fly from rotating and makes it last longer.
2. Cut a generous tuft of maribou, and tie it on the hook so that it extends 3/4 the way up the shank, and about half an inch to 3/4 an inch beyond the bend, depending on size. Wrap it so it looks tidy.
3. Tie in the lead, hackle, and chenille at the top of the bend.
4. Wrap the lead up the hook as far as it will go.
5. Wrap the chenille up the hook, all the way to the head, and secure with one or two wraps of thread.
6. Wrap the hackle forward, following the wrap of the chenille, until it reaches the head. Secure with5-6 wraps of thread, and snip excess hackle and chenille.
7. Wrap a thread head, whip finish, and head cement. The fly should look like this:



Theoretically (WenchSpeak for 'I have no idea but try it anyway) It can be tied unweighted, and thus will sink slowly and tantalizingly, giving those brookies more of a chance to munch it. However, it would 'skip' in faster riffles and runs, and wouldn't be as effective in deep pools. But if you primarily fish small spring creeks, go for it. Don't be afraid to tie it in big sizes! If the biggest trout ever caught in your area measured in at a wopping four inches, take heart! I have landed some very small browns and brookies on a size 4 bugger. Happy fishing!

posted by KitchenWench @ 1:37 PM 0 comments