It's Hard Out Here For a Wench

What if they were Emos?

2006-11-08T13:18:00.000-08:00

Here we have a lovely picture of President Bush, with a picture of an emo kid photoshopped on top.

System of a Down asks rhetorical questions, The Wench answers

2006-10-27T18:43:00.000-07:00

KW: Welcome to my studio, gentlemen. I'm here to answer all of your angst-ridden rhetorical questions.
SOAD: GAAAAH!
KW: All right, now that we're introduced, why don't you go ahead and ask some?
SOAD: wHY DO THEY ALWAYS SEND THE POOR??????????????
KW: That's a good question. Millitary service is a very honorable calling, and it's a real shame that more wealthy individuals don't go overseas and fight. Why don't you promote the cause of sending rich people to war by joining up yourselves???
Crickets: *chirp chirp chirp*
SOAD: DON'T EAT THE FISH!!!!
Crickets: we quit.
SOAD: WHY DO WE MAKE BOMBS THAT CREATE DEATH SHOWERS???
KW: To kill large amounts of people that we don't like, at the same time, cleanly and efficiently. Next question please.
SOAD: DO YOU EVER BELIEVE YOU ARE STUCK IN THE SKY???
KW: I'm going to beat you over the head with your megabongs if you don't ask me an actual question.
SOAD: LOL!!!! :D

HRW Investigation: The Fray, Panic! at the Disco, used in inmate torture

2006-09-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

In a shocking Human Rights Watch report, it was discovered that inmates at Guantanamo bay, as well as the CIA's secret prisons aroud the world, were being subjected to interrogation methods that would make Himmler scream like a little girl. Prisoners were stripped, put in freezing rooms, and subjected to "Emo Torture".
The first shocking report came out this week, of Abu Zubaya, personell director of Al-Qaeda, being forced to listen to The Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Stadium Arcadium" at excessively loud volumes. The Human Rights watch immediately launched an investigation that unearthed shocking evidence of similar methods of torture.
One prisoner recalls being forced to listen to such bands as The Fray, Hawthorne Heights, and Panic! At The Disco. Recalling the awful experience, Muhammed Zibahuminahumina reccalled "I told them all the information I knew, and still they wouldn't turn the volume down or change the recording. Convinced that I knew the whereabouts of more people, they subjected me to the degrading torture of Panic! At The Disco music videos. Now I can't sleep at night, for fear of the demons in top hats that will forever haunt my dreams."
The effects of this new variety of torture have been severe and far reaching. In a hidden CIA prison in Bangkok, an inmate who will remain unnamed, after being forced to listen to an entire Hawthorne Heights album, attempted suicide. Several have been attempting to dye their hair fuschia and wear tight pants. One inmate even reportedly attempted to open a MySpace account.
There has been no word yet from the evil US millitary-industrial complex on the range and depth of this torture, save for the avid denial of such harsh measures as Avril Lavigne, Linkin Park, and Evanescence.

Power Bassin' the Wench Way

2006-08-25T17:03:00.000-07:00

ARTIFICIAL FLIES AND LURES ONLY. NO BOATING.
Signs like these only appear on....
A.) Tiny ponds
B.) Irrigation Cesspools
C.) Conventional Bass Lakes

If you guessed A or B, you would be correct. No person in their right mind fishes for big bass on the town pond that is slightly smaller than a bathtub and comes complete with an ag chemical cocktail that WILL cause mysterious rashes in uncomfortable places. Some of these ponds are actually radioactive. (Note: Glow in the dark lures are a very good option.) Fortunately for you, I'm not in my right mind, and I regularly pull 3 pounders out of these waters every summer in Colorado. There ARE big bass in these ponds, and you CAN catch them quite easily. How?

Crankbaits. Big, flashy, crankbaits. My favorite model for fishing rock-bottom sludge ponds in the Longmont area is the Bill Dance Fat Free Fry (say it with me...) It dives to 4-6 feet and wallops big bass in these ponds. My favorite colors are citrus shad for murky or radioactive waters, as these imitate bluegills or glowing shad. In clear waters on cloudy days, I use baby bass. On clear days in clear waters, nothing can beat a Bomber 6A in a crawfish shade. For this kind of work, I prefer a 6'6" Rapala sxi rod paired with a Pfleuger president reel. 8 pound test lets that lure wiggle seductively, without sacrificing too much strength. However, I have landed a 7 pound, 22 inch bass out of a pond the size of my dining room with a 5 foot ultralight model with some ghetto-tastic reel and 4 pound line. That's the same get-up I use when I go after 24 pound carp. But most of the time I use the heavier setup, simply because it makes my life easier.
I have not had a lot of success in Colorado with spinnerbaits. I was recently in Massachussets, however, and bass will go head over heels, so to speak, to smash one. For the most part, bass fishing is like picking a bar fight. You don't want to gently entice it to nibble on your morsel that you have gently presented. That's trout fishing, and trout fishing is not what we do in the middle of August. You want to piss that fish off, and you want to do it with something half its size. It doesn't want to EAT your bait, it wants to KILL your bait. Two different things.
I will try to keep my segment on swimbaits 20 words or less. Storm Suspending Wildeye Swimshad, 6 inches. Slow, steady, straight retrieve. Clear water. weedbeds. Boom! Pow! Flip!Flip!Flip! Land! Release! ~this has been an explanation of swimbait fishing in clear water with visible bass, on a lake with plenty of smaller bass to pick on.~

Anyhooo, that is my article today. Remember: catch and release, and give the tiny ponds a chance. oh, and tip your wench.

"Just Say NO! To Free Markets" An Instant Hit In Seattle Elementary Schools

2006-07-30T17:45:00.000-07:00

The scene is one you might expect in a repressive, right-wing anti-drug shill. An adult, a symbol of repressive authority, stands at the foreground of a full classroom as the teacher simpers over lesson plans in the corner, as if she is afraid to speak out. However, the class' afternoon Yoga session has been disrupted for a crucial and productive cause: The new "Just Say NO! To Free Markets" campaign. Begun by Mr. Shecky Morningside-Burgender, this program aims to stem hateful tendencies toward capitalism in California youth. Said Mr. Morningside-Burgender: "You know, my partner Todd and I used to run this organic co-op before we started working for the cause full-time, and we'd see kids going across the street to safeway or 7-11 for their afternoon snacks, and Todd and I would just be like, 'Yoo-Hoo! We're over here!' but they'd ignore us, and I think that's the evil of capitalism at work." Shecky and Todd started small, handing out Che T-shirts with the program's slogan hand-written on the back with glitter glue. "I think it added a nice touch," said Todd. "You know, make it more of a people's T-shirt."
Now, students in local elementary schools are being taught the evils of capitalism and the virtues of the People's Economy. In one gesture that "Deeply Touched" Shecky and Todd, Ms. Randerfunger's third grade class named their guinea pig Chairman Mao. "Mao for short!" Pipped Starflower McHiggins, one of the students in the class. As of yet, nobody knows what the results or the future of the program will be, but it is expected to be at least as successfull as repressive right-wing anti-drug brainwashing. As Shecky put it, "We've really placed the hope of the people in these kids, and I hope they realize what they've been given."

Hillary Clinton Launches "American Fantasy" Initiative

2006-07-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

In response to the overwhelming need for decreased federal spending and personal economic maturity among citizens, Hillary Clinton has launched the "American Fantasy" initiative.
"For generations, immigrants have come from poor countries and worked hard to secure wealth for them and their children. Now it's time for those filthy capitalist pigs to PAY!", Clinton quipped. The initiative would provide $500 in savings bonds to each child born in America, close the pay gap between CEOs and workers, and ensure that every child's Christmas list is at least 65% granted. "We want a high quality of life for every citizen here, not just thoe elite few that have gone out and worked for a living, as if they deserve to have more money than the average Tahquanda out here in REAL America." Stated one proponent of the initiative.

Big Timber Brookies and Other High-altitude Shenanigans

2006-07-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

The Clark's Fork of the Yellowstone River is one of the most beautiful places you can go in Wyoming to catch a lot of brook trout. These fine fighters are the smallest member of the trout family, and can live longer out of the water than any other trout. There are even records of brook trout leaving their home water and wiggling over land to another body of water. They also fight extremely hard for their size, and it was for this reason that the past two days found me camping beside the Upper Clark's Fork.
Stoneflies were all over the place, as were mosquitoes. However, the only dry fly that I got a hit on was a King''s River Caddis yesterday evening. I prefer to fish wet flies and streamers in big water like the Clark's Fork for two reasons: One, on these rivers there's about a half hour window when dries are effective, and Two, a trout hanging around on the bottom is not going to swim up 4 feet against the current to nab a tiny mayfly. This time of year, trout are salivating over big stonefly nymphs, so big brown and black wooly buggers are the hot flies, as they imitate these big juicy critters. Muddlers (the best fly ever invented, by the way) Can be very effective as well on shallower stretches, but it's hard to get them to the right depth in the fast water, where they tend to either float without a split shot, or get caught in rocks with one. It's much more productive in this instance to cast a big, weighted brown bugger 9o degrees across the river and let it swing down. When it gets to the bottom of the swing, 6 times out of 10 you'll get a hit. And when you move upstream, try to just troll that bugger through a riffle. I caught a couple of nice brookies and a decent brown trout that way in the main river, but the real fun in this trip came from timber brookies and browns.
We often hear about big timber game, but it almost always refers to land critters. I'm talking about one of the most exciting opportunities available for brook and brown trout, casting a heavy wooly bugger right next to a big log in a slow side channel. There is just something special about seeing that flash of fish right when it starts to sink. More often than not, these brookies miss in their excitement, but watching two trout have a head-on collision because they both want your fly is an unforgettable experience. Often, a brown or brookie will go for your fly, miss it, and then take it again. And then the fight is on, with you trying your best not to tear the hook out of his mouth while at the same time keeping him out of the logs. Once those fish get into the timber, it is difficult to get them back out without reaching in and doing it yourself. Landing them is always a satisfying experience, because you'll do three times as much work to get these fish into the net. On one nice brown trout, I had to re-tie my blood knot, cut the wrong line, had to do a quick surgeon knot, tie on a new fly, and spend 10 minutes getting into position for that one, perfect cast, and then spent 15 minutes fighting him in and out of timber before finally getting him in the net. I have a feeling trout would be pretty proud of themselves if they knew what we go through...

Tie a Wooley Bugger in 2 minutes or less!

The wooley bugger is one fly that no angler should be without. It imitates a stonefly nymph, a minnow, and a dozen other yummy things depending on where and when it's fished. If you look at a wooley bugger in the stream, its maribou tail will actually swim! It is a very effective fly, and it is cheap and quick to tie.
I rarely bother buying materials and putting in the time to tie flies unless I'm tying at least half a dozen. Because I do a lot of my fishing in heavy brush, I break off a lot of flies, so it's good to have a lot with me.

WOOLEY BUGGER
Hook: Dai-Riki #730 or equivalent (I actually prefer Tiemco but don't have the model number...) in sizes 2-8
Tail: Tuft of Maribou in color matching body
Body: Thick, soft chenille in Black, Brown, Olive, Gray, or Purple (muddy water).
Hackle: Palmered Chinese rooster saddles in color to match body
note on hackle: You can get strung hackles for under $5. Many will be too wide, but you can use the wide ones for clipped hackle patterns like the King's River Caddis.
Weight: Lead wire
Thread: Danville 14/0 black thread

Before you EVEN PUT THE HOOK IN THE VISE!!!!!!!
For each fly you will tie, cut 4 inches of chenille, 4 inches of lead wire, and select one saddle hackle.

1. Put head cement on hook. This keeps the fly from rotating and makes it last longer.
2. Cut a generous tuft of maribou, and tie it on the hook so that it extends 3/4 the way up the shank, and about half an inch to 3/4 an inch beyond the bend, depending on size. Wrap it so it looks tidy.
3. Tie in the lead, hackle, and chenille at the top of the bend.
4. Wrap the lead up the hook as far as it will go.
5. Wrap the chenille up the hook, all the way to the head, and secure with one or two wraps of thread.
6. Wrap the hackle forward, following the wrap of the chenille, until it reaches the head. Secure with5-6 wraps of thread, and snip excess hackle and chenille.
7. Wrap a thread head, whip finish, and head cement. The fly should look like this:

Theoretically (WenchSpeak for 'I have no idea but try it anyway) It can be tied unweighted, and thus will sink slowly and tantalizingly, giving those brookies more of a chance to munch it. However, it would 'skip' in faster riffles and runs, and wouldn't be as effective in deep pools. But if you primarily fish small spring creeks, go for it. Don't be afraid to tie it in big sizes! If the biggest trout ever caught in your area measured in at a wopping four inches, take heart! I have landed some very small browns and brookies on a size 4 bugger. Happy fishing!

Eghm-Heghm

2006-07-17T15:42:00.000-07:00

Attention Tourists: While you go wandering around the museum, please do not abandon your old crippled people in the restauraunt. They get very confused and cry easily.
Thank you,
the Wenches.

Lord of the Free World, Part I: The Fellowship of the IED

2006-07-13T20:06:00.000-07:00

Scene I: A party at Bush Sr.'s house...

Bush Sr: Hey, Junior! I'm out of office, so, uh, here's a mysterious suitcase. Michelle Malkin will show up in a few years once you've sobered up and tell you what to do with it.
Bush: *hic* uh,... ok.
Bush Sr.: *disappears*
Bush: The F*&k????

~Many Years Later~
Osama Bin Ladin: *BWA HA HA HA HA*
Americans: BOOOOOOOOOO!
Michael Moore: YAAAAAAAAAY!
Pres. Bush: You are going down!
Liberals: No, Wait!
Iraq war: *starts*

~Still Later~
Michelle Malkin: *knock knock*
Bush: Hello?
Michelle Malkin: There's no time to talk. Remember that suitcase your dad gave you? Its a magical IED, containing all of Osama's power. We need to get it to the bomb dismantling facility In Afghanistan NOW. I need to go quickly to the Forest of the Pundits. Grab Cheney and a couple of adorable small-time lawyers from the Midwest and meet me at the sign of the BarkingMoonbat.
Bush: Ok.
Malkin: *Rides off*
Bush: oooh..kay....

*On the way*
Bush and Cheney have met up with Dan Caplis and Craig Silverman. On the way to the Barking Moonbat, a shriek rises up, chilling the air...
Black Rider: LIIIIIIIIIIIITLE EIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICHMAAAAAAAAAAAAANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bush: HE'S AFTER THE IED! RUN!

*At the Prancing Moonbat*
Caplis: So. We're here.
Cheney: Where's Michelle?
Silverman: *Is lovin' his pint*
Bush: Who's that dude in the corner?
Iowahawk: Come with me. Michelle is... Indisposed.
Cheney: *Cocks shotgun*
Iowahawk: *Aims grenade launcher* No, seriously. Come with me. Osama's agents are after you.
Cheney: NO $#!T!
*They Depart To The Valley Of Rivendrudge*

Meanwhile, in Kosengard
Malkin: You were good once!
Kos: GOOD IS WEAK! BWA-HA-HA!
Malkin: *Prepares to P0Wn*
Kos: *trips Malkin*
Malkin: Typical.
Kos: *Throws Malkin on Roof*
Malkin: *Hitches ride on passing crop duster* WOOT!

On the Way To RivenDrudge, in the Coupe of Justice
Cheney: Sweet ride.
Bush: Yeah.
Black Rider: TEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHNOOOOOOOOOOOOOCRAAAAAAAAAAATSSSSSSSSS!
Iowahawk: *Slams breaks on Coupe of Jusice*
Black Rider: *Is temporarily P0wn3d*
Iowahawk: Come on, we're late to the Council of Drudge!

At the Council of Drudge
Drudge: We need to get the IED of power to the dismantlement facility before Osama gets it.
Michael Savage: But, couldn't we use it for our own power?
Donald Rumsfeld: Or break it?
Condoleezza Rice: Shaddup.
Malkin: She speaks truly. It needs to be dismantled for Osama to lose his power.
Drudge: Get going. Uh... Bush, Cheney, Caplis, Silverman, Rice, Rumsfeld, Savage, Iowahawk, and Malkin! You will be... THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE IED!
Fellowship: Woot!
Drudge: Take the Pass of the UN to the gap of a Coalition. You will succeed by that route.

Fellowship: *Hops in to the Coupe of Justice*

At the Pass of the UN
Iowahawk: Crap! Blocked by red tape!
Cheney: Yeah, and Kofi Annan's throwing $#!T at us!
Rumsfeld: Let's try the Mines of Ority!
Rice: Good thinking! We'll be welcome there!

In The Mines of Ority
Rice: oooh, looks like something killed all the conservatives.
Rumsfeld: Gross.
Code Pink operatives: *boom boom*
Malkin: RUN!
Medea Benjamin: DIE!
Malkin: OH NO YOU DON"T!
Malkin and Benjamin: *Fall into abyss*
Fellowship: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Iowahawk: Come on! We need to get to the Forest of Pundits!

In the Forest of Pundits
Ann Coulter and Bill O'reilley: Welcome.
Fellowship: Coooooooooool.
Coulter: *Turns green and yells*
Fellowship: Uh....
Coulter: Oh, wait, that was supposed to be AFTER you give me the IED.
Bush: Uh, how bout not?
Coulter: Yay! Lemme give y'all presents! To Pres. Bush, I give you an iPod with my podcasts! To Caplis and Silverman, evidence against the Moonbat King. To Cheney, a 20-gauge.
Cheney: oooh, shiny.
Coulter: Buh-bye now.
Bill: What? You don't want FactorGear?
Fellowship: *Is gone*

At a crossroads, or something.
Michael Savage: GIVE ME THE IED!
Bush and Cheney: RUN!
KosHeads: RAAAAAAAAAR!
Savage: *ARROWED!*
Iowahawk: Nice knowing you! Bush! Cheney! Run to Afghanistan and don't look back!
Rumsfeld: They've got Caplis and Silverman!
Rice: They're taking the lawyers to Kosengard!
Iowahawk: After them!
Bush and Cheney: Well then. Guess it's to Afghanistan with us.

I CATCH A FEESH!

2006-07-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

Yay! I finally caught a trout on my flyrod in Wyoming! Hooray! I have spent far too much time flyfishing without catching anything. It feels sooo good to catch a nice-sized brook trout!!!

And now for a thorough deconstruction of today's Sally Forth.

As you can see from their clothing in the first panel, Sally and Ted are clearly longing for their own teenie-band days. The sillhouette images in the first and second panels represent how both parents are feeling marginalized, mere black-and white shadows compared to Hilary's shiny, technicolor gothy friend Faye. Notice how Faye's vest is orange, which, as we know, is a combination of red and yellow. Ted's shirt is red, and Sally's is yellow. This tells us that Hilary is looking to Faye as a substitute for both of her inadequate parents. However, Faye's thin arms tell us that not only is she severely disabled, she is WEAK! SHE IS WEAK, AND CANNOT SUBSTITUTE FOR TED AND SALLY! Invitably, the relationship will end, and Hilary will once again be dependent upon her mother and father for the lovin' in her life. Also: Is that the 'sly' expression in the third panel?? Any thoughts on this matter? Also, where does Hilary get her blonde hair? Answers are due at the end of class, and, as always, penmanship counts.

Osama to World: I Just Want to Cuddle

2006-07-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

This image of Osama Bin Ladin is brought to you by Code Pink. Join us, or you hate guinea pigs. You don't hate guinea pigs...

Do you?

Ask the Wench

2006-07-10T19:28:00.000-07:00

Now introducing my new advice column, where you can ask a real wench your real wenchy questions!

Dear Wench,
Do you have any advice for me? I am 17 and working as a wench. I'm afraid my boss is suffering from PTSD. (He was in Vietnam and saw many good friends get disemboweled, etc.) What should I do when he starts to have an 'episode'? Should I recommend he go into therapy? Will he hurt anybody? If he does, what should I do?
Secondhand Shellshock Victim in Detroit
Dear Victim,
Duck. No. Eventually. Duck and Scream.

Dear K-Wench,
My daughter is a wench. She is pregnant by her boyfriend, who left her. I threw her out of the house because her sister had the same thing happen to her, and I think that the older sisters influence the younger ones. You know? Anyway, how do I make sure the younger daughters don't follow the same path?
Distraught Mother in Brooklyn
Dear Distraught,
The next time you are tempted to dispense advice to your children, hit yourself over the head with a frying pan until you are unconscious.

WENCH,
WHY WAS YOUR COLUMN SO UNFUNNY YESTERDAY????
D.K. IN L.A.
Dear D.K.,
After a day serving people like you, I didn't have any funny left.

Dear Wench,
How can I contribute to the Dumbvee Project?
Patriot in Louisiana
Dear Patriot,
Send in your refrigerator magnets to: Dr. Darren Lee, 310th PSYOP co, COB Speicher, APO AE 09349. http://iowahawk.typepad.com is a good site to visit for your info on this project.

Dear Wench,
I am a very attractive man in my 50's, (still young!) as you can see from my attached picture. Still, I recieve no attention from the young wenches I flirt with. Can you give me some of the wise advices of the wenching business?
Foxy in Boston
Dear Foxy,
While a less scrupulous wench might advise you to lose the beard and about fifty pounds, I desire you to be happy in your love life. So pay attention.
Acquire a ferret. Name it Herman. Carry him with you wherever you go, especially into restauraunts with wenches. If anybody gives you any problems, simply state that you have Arbogast's disorder and that Herman is a seeing-eye ferret. Talk with Herman in the same manner as you would talk to a beautiful woman. Girls will gravitate towards you, because every girl digs a ferret man. However, you must not let anybody touch your ferret. Become hostile if anybody tries to touch it. This will only make you more attractive to the opposite sex. If there is a ferret shortage in your area, get a jumbo weasel instead. But whatever you get, whether it is a ferret or a jumbo weasel, REFER TO IT ACCURATELY. No girl is going to want to go out with a guy who refers to his ferret as a 'Jumbo Weasel.'

Dear Ms. Wench,
I have been receiving reports of a suspicious figure visiting area restauraunts and making obscene proposals to employees. He is carrying what appears to be a small ferret. Any thoughts?
Boston P.D.
Dear Officer,
The animal in question is a Jumbo Weasel, Thank You Very Much.

Dear K.W. ,
I own a pet store in the Boston area. Recently, old obese men with strange beards have been purchasing as many jumbo weasels as they can get their hands around. What should I do?
Puzzled in MA
Dear Puzzled,
Consider selling buttons that say "Ask me about my Jumbo Weasel." And go ahead and book that cruise.

Dear Wench
like omg meh BF is pimpin the G's and its so pissin me off!!!!!!!!!!!!! shud i dump him or whut. your blog is teh shiznit! but seryusly... wut do i do about meh bf sitch?
lolxoxolol
Dear Desperate,
There is a kind, sensitive, faithful man carrying a Jumbo Weasel who needs you. NOW.

And now, a Message from Kim Jong Il

2006-07-09T19:06:00.000-07:00

*Yeah, I know, I didn't say anything about politics, when I started this blog, but I'm a politically minded wench so you can just deal with it.*

AND NOW FOR A MESSAGE FROM THE GLORIOUS MOST HIGH LEADER OF THE NATION OF NORTH KOREA, THE HONORABLE AND VENERATED KIM JONG IL

What is with you n00bs over in America? With your sirry capitarist ideas! As I have been demonstrating this past week, my nucrear power is vastry superior to yours! As is my pornography correction! In fact, everything I own is vastry superior to your sirry American attempts at being r33t! So why do you still try to make my rife miserabre, you stupid capitarist pig-dogs???? We could hang out sometime if you n00bs wasn't so stupid and capitarist and if you agknowredged my divine authorita! You pansies want to know why I've been testing my missires?

Because you peopre suck

Because I'm way better at DDR than you n00bs

And Haro II.

What do you mean I'm emotionarry scarred because of my chirdhood? IM FINE DONT NOBODY TERR ME IM NOT FINE! WHY DOES EVERYBODY ROOK AT ME AND SAY 'oh, poor Kim Jong, he's so sad because he's ronery. I'M FINE! NOBODY TERR ME I'M CRAZY! KIM JONG IL CONTAINS NO SOY!

~this has been a message from Kim Jong Il.~

In other news, let's support IowaHawk and our armed forces by helping to build.... THE DUMBVEE! Send your dumbest refrigerator magnet to:

Dr. Darren Lee

310th PSYOP Co.

COB SpeicherAPO

AE 09349

Send in your magnets! These are the people that keep the world safe for wenches!

On Human Decency

2006-06-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

I love my job. Honestly. There is nothing else I'd rather be doing. It isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it's fun. It keeps me very busy. Emphasis on the word BUSY. I also love my customers. They're good people, fun to talk to, interesting. But sometimes we don't get along. So this post is all about why it is YOUR JOB to talk directly to the manager about any managerial issues such as why he needs to keep the grill open another hour because your tour bus wanted to take an hour-long detour to look at the pretty antelopes. As you can see, I'm carrying fifteen salad sandwiches to the cooler at the moment, and while I'm sure you are a wonderful person, I hate it when you stand there drumming your fingers at me while I go and irritate him by bringing this to him when he is already very busy. You want the favor, You talk to the manager. PLEASE.

Flirting is NOT fun for the whole family.

2006-06-20T18:08:00.000-07:00

As a kitchen wench, I realize and embrace the fact that flirting with customers is part of my job description. HOWEVER, wenches are NOT prostitutes, and will NOT put up with advances from just anyone. And eventually somebody is going to get hurt, so here's some rules to follow when flirting with wenches.

I am aware that you would like to do *things* with me. Depending on how good looking you are, I may be happy about this. However, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DO NOT TELL ME EXACTLY. Thank you.
If your son is flirting with me, you are not, I repeat, ARE NOT allowed to join in the fun. See the title of this post.
Having a moustache is a privelege, not a right. Please do not abuse it by having a handlebar mustache or a bker moustache. Or a hitler mustache. That would be bad.
If you are over 40, you are not hot. Period. And the pervert beard is not helping any. No, I don't want to sit on Santa's lap. Uh... I'm... Jewish. Yeah, that's why.
If you are over 50 and still look good for an old guy, flirt with good looking old women.
And finally, for all my sisters out there in our nation's fine drinking establishments, TIPS. GO. IN. THE. TIP. JAR.

On the Cleaning of Tables

2006-06-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

We wenches do not have an easy life. Not all of us get enough sleep. In fact, some of us are stricken with occasional insomnia. We clean tables EVERY DAY OF OUR LIVES FOR SEVERAL HOURS A DAY. Ergo Sum (that's latin for "therefore" for all you Shamuumuus who don't know what I'm talking about) We itch. Our faces itch. Our arms itch. We try to resist it, but sometimes, we just gotta scratch. It's not like we're rubbing dust mites and dandruff into your table. Just a little poke to the forearm with the ol' fingernail. Any bacteria are then brutally massacred with the bleach solution that we wipe the tables with. That spray bottle can be up to a quarter full of Clorox.
so please, Please, PLEASE stop complaining to our supervisors when you see us touch our aprons or our heads while wiping tables. If we're not paying attention to the strict Wenchian codes of hygiene, it's because WE'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE THE WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING AND WOKE UP TO A FURRY ANIMAL OF SOME VARIETY ATTEMPTING TO EAT US. So please. Shut up, and eat your food. And if you're going to complain about somebody's hygiene, complain about that of the four year old who picked his nose and grabbed a handful of pickles out of the same pickle container that you do.